Poe's Law
by Kylie Concorde
Summary: A parody of the superficial aspects of Twilight, featuring quotes from the book and my attempt to exaggerate them. But can the parody be distinguished from the real thing? Warning: NOT FOR TWILIGHT FANS! ANTI-TWIS ONLY! No offence meant.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bella or Edward or any quotes from the book.

**Apologies: **Keep in mind. I'm not trying to attack Twilight fans. I don't hate them. In fact some of my friends are Twilighters. I'm only pointing out the issues with the book series, not the readers or even the writer, although I don't think she deserves nearly the credit she's been given. Come on! Stephenie Meyer the next J.K. Rowling? I don't think so.

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**The challenge: **This is a compilation of modified _Twilight _quotes, selected to point out instances of over-extravagent description (aka purple prose) and shallowness in the story. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to** locate the four paragraphs written by me** in order to parody this type of writting, without going to the books to check.

Can you tell the difference between a parody and the real thing? Give me the numbers of my paragraphs in your review.

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The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare.

The smooth white skin of his throat flowed uninterrupted over the marble contours of his chest, his perfect musculature no longer merely hinted at behind concealing clothes. He was too perfect, I realized with a piercing stab of despair. There was no way this godlike creature could be meant for me.

Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too beautiful to be real… hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach. I marveled again at the perfect texture, satin smooth and cool as stone. When I looked up again, his eyes were open, watching me. They were butterscotch today, lighter and warmer after hunting. His quick smile turned up the corners of his flaws lips.

I watched, quietly, mesmerized by every inch of impeccable form, unable to glance away from his shimmering hair. His grin left me in a trance. I knew I would rather die than be made to look away from this glorious work of art.

He grinned his crooked smile at me, stopping my breath and my heart. I couldn't imagine how an angel could be anymore glorious. There was nothing about him that could be improved upon.

_I must be dead,_ I thought, because only in heaven would I see anything so wonderful. Everything around me became a blur; only his perfect face remained vivid, for it was all I could see. All I cared about, all that was me belonged to _him_.

Edward hadn't moved a fraction of an inch. He reminded me of a carving of Adonis. I smiled, and his lips twitched, the statue coming to life.

'Why me, Edward?' I asked, 'Why me? Plain, clumsy, ordinary me. How I could I ever deserve to live with someone as jaw-droppingly, heart-stoppingly gorgeous as you or Alice or Rosalie.

I remember seeing Rosalie across the cafeteria for the first time. She had a beautiful figure, the kind you saw on the cover of the _Sports Illustrated_ swimsuit issue. Her hair was golden, gently waving to the middle of her back.

'Of course Rosalie _is _beautiful in her way,' Edward replied, 'but even if she wasn't like a sister to me, even if Emmett didn't belong with her, she could never have one tenth, no, one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me.' He was serious now, thoughtful. 'For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind and yours … all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realising what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet.'

I sighed contentedly. 'It's a pity you never walk around in public like this,' I cooed, referring to his iridescent figure, 'The world is in need of beauty like yours.' Though, I shuddered to think of how many car crashes a body like his could cause.

Edward was shrugging out of his jacket. I suddenly realised that I had never once noticed what he was wearing – not just today, but ever. I just couldn't seem to look away from his face.

He handed me the jacket, interrupting my ogling. It smelled amazing. I inhaled trying to identify the delicious scent.

I touched his face. 'Look' I said. 'I love you more than everything else in the world combined. Isn't that enough?'

'Yes, it is enough,' he answered, 'enough for forever.'

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**Title Reference: **The title 'Poe's Law' refers to a internet law which basically states that you can't tell the difference between a real religious fundementalist and a parody of a religious fundementalist. I wanted to apply the same principle here to show how silly Twilight is. Someone out there will probably read my paragraphs and think they're real Twilight quotes. So please, review and no cheating!

I'm actually quite thankful I read 'Twilight'. It helped me recognise the immaturity of my own writing. So thanks Stephenie Meyer!


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